We consider ourselves lucky to have lots of friends and family scattered across the country; however, those few times a year when we are able to visit with aunts and uncles in Florida, friends in Washington or California, cousins in Texas and all the way across the pond in London, the differences between Colorado and everywhere else become blindingly apparent.
So even though Colorado will always have our hearts, there are definitely some ways this great state is ruining our child. For example…
1- All wooly farm animals are “mountain goats.” My daughter has never met a lamb or sheep or alpaca that does not get turned into a “mountain goat” in her mind. And while we’re being perfectly honest, all cats are mountain lions and all rodents are marmots.
2- Humidity?! Forget about it. “Mama, my shirt is wet!” No, it’s not raining. No, you did not pee on yourself again. We’re just standing outside in Florida and this is how the air feels. *Commence toddler tantrum.*
3- Santa lives in the snow. Ergo: Santa lives in Colorado. Every Christmas story we read takes place in Colorado, according to my 2-year-old. Oh, and on a related note, Frosty the Snowman lives here, too.
4- “No, honey, those aren’t mountains. Those are clouds.” It’s really fun when we’re in the flatlands of Texas and my kid starts ranting about how beautiful the mountains (which are actually clouds) are. Way to rub it in their faces, babe.
5- Three words: “shredding the gnar.” Instead of learning normal English, my kid learns words like “rad,” “pow pow,” and the aforementioned “shredding the gnar.” No one is gonna take you seriously with that language, sweetheart.
6- Not all shoes are hiking boots. I hate to break it to you, darling–those are just called sandals. And I know you want me too, but I DEFINITELY cannot wear these on a hike either. *Commence another toddler tantrum.*
7- Deer are the new squirrels. I know it’s old news to you, babe, but it’s okay if we take some time to slow down and look at the deer when your cousins are in town. They don’t get to see them every single day jumping up in your tree stealing apples and eating all of your roses.
8- Me: “Where do you want to go to dinner, honey?” 2-year-old daughter: “The brewery!” Please don’t call child protective services.
9- It is perfectly normal to pee outside. I just hope when we go to visit the suburbs of Dallas that my daughter doesn’t “go talk to a deer” on a busy sidewalk.
10- Not all states are created equal. And to make matters even worse, living in Colorado only encourages this appalling behavior. Everyone talks about the outrageous number of deer that hang out around mountain towns. And all good upstanding Colorado children learn how to pee by a tree on a trail; and even better–not get it on your “hiking boots” (whether they are actually boots or just house slippers). And in Colorado, you’ll be hard pressed to find a brewery that doesn’t have a kids menu.
The moral of this story is Colorado is ruining my child…but only when she’s in any of the other 49 states. Thankfully we have an amazing place right under our noses that my child can call home for as long as her heart desires and where she will never be judged for skipping a family reunion for a late-Spring powder day.