So, you may or may not be used to me by now and my Debbie Downer tendencies. I like to tell people I’m actually an idealist! But since we live in a world that is broken and imperfect, I’m often deeply aware and heavy hearted from the reality that we just aren’t-can’t have the ideal in this life. That being said, I’ve been preparing to welcome our second little wiggle-bean into the family in January. A year ago I shared with you about some mixed feelings… and I’m back to say that in this new season there’s grief and joy anew!
I can’t say enough how much I have and do love this season we are in. This 3rd year is an absolute delight with my son and husband. With things we used to enjoy as a couple now coming back around in a whole new light to share with our son and with some increased space and freedom for each of us to grow and journey alongside the others. This has been such a sweet spot. Now that he’s stopped running into the middle of the road for kicks, and started occasionally sleeping through the night, it seems like we can do infinitely more with our time and energy as a family. We love it.
And it’s because we got that breathe of fresh air — that space to dream and plan again — that we decided we could finally wrap our minds around the idea of having just one more tiny person to know and love.
And sort of just as soon as we thought it, it happened… No, no, no… I KNOW it doesn’t work like that, but I swear it practically did. But, I digress… this pregnancy has been harder, heavier, and significantly more anxiety provoking than the last, albeit equally uneventful and healthy. At the same time this season of parenting has been so sweet and so full and so awe inspiring (and also totally humbling… don’t worry no super-human-mom here). Little by little the grief has crept in… not in sweet delicate tears but in the big heaving sobs and ugly cries that spill out black mascara tears and noses that can’t be blown clear so you can’t ever actually catch your breath.
This season, right now, is among my favorites of all time — I didn’t know if that was possible and feel the same way looking back on life before our son was born. And I weep because I know in my guts it’s all about to change forever. But this time, I carry the tiniest nugget of wisdom, one that mamas shared but I wasn’t able to comprehend that first time around; It really is going to be ok.
After a traumatic birth, challenging post-partum year (or so…), and an intense grief that made me miss life with just my husband terribly, I thought I might never love a season quite as freely as I did before my son was born. Then he came, and I healed, and little by little I came back, and new parts of our life of 3 emerged in more beautiful ways than I could have imagined and we dream together now as a family of 3!
And it is all so perfect.
Now, once again, here we are infinitely more aware of what’s at stake and still completely clueless as to what magnificence there is to come. And it’s a good, hard, and sometimes gut-wrenching place to be. And it really IS going to be ok. I believe that as hard as the transition to two might be, and despite the grief I will feel, we will stumble into a season of the sweetest of sweets, where I want to stop time forever. And the most beautiful and shocking part is that apparently, those moments? The ones you want to bottle and keep for a rainy day? They.just.keep.coming.
Love you and as always love your brave vulnerability.